The Conjurer

It has long been known that Superstition is often Fact, in our World. And in the Psychiatric World it is even more so. "It must be a Full Moon", is heard so regularly and frequently that I could even set a Digital Watch by it. This saying occurs mostly when the ER is full and all manners of Human Wildness are occurring.

When I was an intern in the University of Virginia, Emergency Department basking in the full glory of my young Doctorhood, an incident occurred where I learned more of the Powers of the Mind.

I was on a medical rotation in the Emergency Room when they first brought him in. Two city cops had what I thought was a kid, handcuffed and being drug into Room 6. He was only struggling a little, so "No Worries." I thought.

It was certainly not unusual to see a cop or three in the ER and even a kid brought in by the Police was fairly common, so I did not think much of the incident. It was in between running to do some menial task that the Attending Physician had me doing for my "education" and flirting with one of the Nurses that the ruckus began.

I heard "CODE ORANGE!" blare on the Loudspeaker, which always amused me as it meant some violent altercation was occurring somewhere. Probably one of my poor colleagues was getting Taken to the Cleaners by an Ancient Demented Lady in Geriatrics. It also always brought up the thought of the Fictitious "Code Brown", the eternally humorous Alert when there was a Fecally Incontinent Patient found.

However on this night, I heard the Second Calling of the Alert, "CODE ORANGE, EMERGENCY ROOM, BED 6". The young guys like myself, as well as anyone else around in the mood for a tussle, (which did not usually include Hospital Security) were expected to help out and turn the "Code Orange" into an "All Clear".

I ran into the room where the cops had taken that handcuffed kid, and saw that four people had made it in first. The Cops were gone (No Shock...) but the room was so small that the 4 Guys; 2 Residents a male Nurse, and an Aide, were all in the way surrounding the bed with the flailing kid. I could not figure out how I could get my Superpowered "Hand of Restraint" into play and was maneuvering for a limb to grab. That is when the Restraining Mob Parted like the Red Sea and .....rising like a Colossus, was........ The Dwarf!

I did not comprehend this at first glance but this was not just any Dwarf. Certainly not any Little Sweet Munchkin of a Dwarf.

Nope, Not at All!....He was a Bleeding, dirty, Stinking Drunk, Pissed Off dwarf and no friend to any of us.

I didn't quite comprehend it at that instance , but what we had here in our very own Room 6,was something like an avenging Devil, the Wrathful Dwarf God of Dwarf Rage,Dwarf Vengeance and Dwarf Dirty Fighting!

Dr. Scott yelled, "It's a Damn Dwarf!" which made me snicker, looking at his flushed face and his now wrinkled White Doctor's Coat. This Pronouncement caused a resurgence of efforts by the restrainers to tackle the Patient, who slipped in and out of Holds like an Olympic Wrestler.

Suddenly, the Aide yelled, "He's got a knife!!" and the Medical Staff backed away very quickly leaving the dwarf to rule Supreme in Room 6. I, at least had the Presence of mind to close the door, so he was trapped and couldn't run amok through the entire ER.

This is when the Cops returned and after consulting with the Attending, opened the door and with a fantastic shot, tasered the Little Guy out of commission. The cops then wrapped the leads of the taser up, and then rapped it up with Bed 6 by allowing, the now confident, Dr. Scott to suture the man up.

Then quick as you would like, the Cops handcuffed him, and drug his little sluggish body out of the ER and Down to the Police Detention Center. We stayed, of course, ignoring needy patients to congratulate ourselves on our stellar performance.

"CODE ORANGE, ER, ALL CLEAR! "

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Now the Scene moves to 4 years later, when I was taking night call in the Psychiatric Portion of the Emergency Department. I was a Senior Resident by then, and quite experienced in the ways of Psychiatry and Human Misbehavior.

I was sitting in the call room with the Social Worker who was fielding the odd call from the HELP Hot line. I was reading a Novel and becoming progressively more bored by the hour. We were complaining about how slow time was going. Complaining was something you were very good at in your 4th year of training.

I thought of things to enliven the night, and by sheer Genius decided what needed to happen...

Then, I said it...

"You know .....what we need tonight is for that Goddamn Dwarf to show up."

It was approximately 2 hours later at 11pm that the Cops came in dragging a familiar shape. It was him! That knife wielding maniac of a Dwarf....!!!!!

It seemed surreal, and a lot spooky to see this happen. "What are the odds of him showing up tonight?!" I kept thinking.

There really wasn't much time for thinking after that. Wiser now..I asked the Police to stay and search him for weapons. He didn't have any on him , but the search apparently had him quite agitated and he had gotten loose somehow..again. Like Old Times.

This time, I let the cops handle it and watched them grapple with the Master of Hand to Hand Midget Combat. the Police kept trying to use their standard method of taking down a miscreant by sweeping their legs out from under them but the dwarf just kept dancing away. Trip after trip failed. Tired, Irritated and Plain fed up, the three cops just tackled and sat on the Little Guy sustaining some bites and Bruises in the Process.

Held down, I looked him over , still amazed that all it took was a Remembrance said out loud to bring this menace back into my life. I pulled down his pants and shot a cocktail of Haldol,Benadryl and Ativan in his butt.

Soon he was off to sleep.....

With that crisis calmed, I went back outside. One of the cops came out of the room, shaking his head...in a weary acceptance of some knowledge gained.

"Well, you know Doc.....I guess you just can't trip a Dwarf."